I have to say that as a stepmom, I am strict when it comes to discipline. My military background and also the way I was raised as a child lends to an intense sense of the need for “good order and discipline” in my blended family life today. This instinct has actually served me well. Contrary to some schools of thought, I find any stern behaviors I may use does not make me a perpetual villain to my stepchildren rendering me ineffective as a co-parent. My rule of respect for all authority is enforced in my household, and I think stepparents play an extremely important role in the welfare of the kids, just as the biological parents do. I attempt to merge my style of parenting and disciplining in line with all players involved to raise my stepkids into well-behaved and good adult citizens.

As a stepparent and thus co-parent, I reject the concept that because I did not birth a child that this somehow puts the kids and me on the same “playing field” in the blended family. They are not; I have authority over them because I am the adult and this is my house. I believe a child must submit to an adult or authority figure just as I must submit to law enforcement, the laws of the land, and my boss whether I like them or not. That’s called life and those expectations on authority are established very early in the lives of children – this understanding starting in the home. I think that if the superiority of adult authority over a child’s desires is not eventually established in a blended family, those families indirectly setup a negative dichotomy. This leads the kids to failure later on in life as they improperly rebel against authority figures. When we do not give stepparents the full authority to “parent,” this will cause the step child to think that there are exceptions in life and that they do not need to respect those with authority over them. This is what I believe has caused some of the break-down of good society and pushes the stepparent off into oblivion.

Thus, I preach that the will of the stepparent is superior to the stepkid’s feelings. Many disagree with me, interpreting that this would establish an abusive environment for the child. So don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying a stepmother should not recognize or listen to a kid’s feelings, wants, needs and desires, but what I am saying is that the stepparent has the final say with or without the presence of the biological parent. The point is that the kids must learn to self-regulate their emotions, and to realize that they cannot always get their way, especially if they are disobedient. I do not believe, after a good amount of time and the establishment of a loving relationship, that a stepparent should be locked out of a disciplining role simple because they are not a blood relation. If that were the case, then parent-in-laws and some aunts and uncles should have no say in the kids’ lives either; society readily accepts them as having authority over grandkids, nieces and nephews, but technically they are not blood relatives; they are “married” into the family much like a stepparent has done.

With that being said, if a stepparent abuses power or is cruel, thoughtless, unloving, unfair, and impatient, they have moved into another situation. They are teaching the kids to be abusive themselves. If this stepparent does not ever run issues by the biological parent, and if he or she continues to be too stern, a bad precedent has been set; this too will also cause failure for the kids later on in life. They could very well turn the child into a bully or teach them that passive-aggressive behaviors, or over aggression or hitting, is the best way to advance personal agendas. So when stepparents have a healthy, loving relationship with their step children along with good intentions, I advocate for full disciplinary rights. I know for me personally, I have established a relationship with my step kids in which they trust me and my judgments so that they know that any punishments that I may enforce would be fair and just. They are well aware of the rules, and if I sense that they truly do not understand a new rule, I’m going to lessen or absolve them of any punishments.

In the beginning I would not dare enforce “capital punishment” which is spankings. I believe in spanking in the home for young children, but I believe the biological parent should do it, especially if the kid is the opposite gender of the stepparent. I have two stepsons that it would shame them in a way that is inappropriate and ineffective. At this point in their lives as 17 and 14 year old boys, spankings are all together ineffective. I find it much more effective to have an open dialogue with them on how they can get what they want without being mean, sneaky, or vindictive. I ask them why they did or did not do something and why they chose to do it in that way, and then I may cite an example of a nicer way to get the result they want.  Ultimately, they may not get what they want, and this is where they learn to self-regulate their anger, because I do not allow back talk or eye rolling. Then, if I deem it appropriate or it was pre-established, I usually remove some type of pleasure like video game time. Specifically for bad grades, they do not get paid. (We have a system of $20 for “A’s” $10 for “B’s” and minus $20 for “C’s.”)

For me, the most frustrating thing about being a stepparent is not having the other parents enforce the rules.  I’m sure there is frustration coming from the other side too as I’m unaware of some of the other sides’ rules. Obviously I have no control nor say over what happens at the other home, but a few times, the rules I had established were enforced by default and thus extremely effective.  These moments were the true signposts of successful co-parenting. I have only had a few conversations with my stepchildren’s mother about a few rules that we both agreed on, but I make sure that nothing I do will be in extreme conflict with what the kids experience when they are with their mom. I know this because I have full conversations with the kids before I make a judgment call. I ask the kids, “Well, what would your mom say to that?” and if its reasonable, I proclaim it as my own, and then that is what we do.

I would also recommend that you always give the other parent the benefit of the doubt. If you think the other parent is failing to discipline, you never tell your stepkids. My stepkids have tried at times to appeal to me that their mother was mean, or failed to be consistent in her practices. I explain to them that there has got to be more to the story that they are not telling me. More likely than not, I am correct and I now see right through these little fabrication of an evil mother figure. Trust me when I tell you that if they are telling you this and there is no probable cause to believe them, the kids are just as likely to be playing the same card with their mother, telling her that YOU are evil and mean. What my stepkids were actually trying to accomplish was win us over so they would be spoiled while they stayed with our side and they would receive undue sympathy. Don’t fall for this nonsense, or otherwise you are going to have stepkids that fly from one house to the other proclaiming they are abused in all of them! In that case, no one wins and the kids become in charge. Then both sides lose control.

From observation and personal reading, I have learned there are many styles of parenting. Generally speaking, there is no wrong way to rear well-behaved and successful children. You can argue until you are blue in the face that your way is better. In a blended family, you must be flexible enough to not consider your way more superior than the other parent’s; simply consider it different. Often times, the parenting style of divorced parents was one of the causes of the divorce. Overly involved parents, usually referred to as “helicopter-parents,” are in direct conflict with hands-off parents, or laissez-faire parenting styles. After a divorce, parenting styles can even shift as parents adapt to a major change in disciplinarian roles. Stepmoms need to be conscientious of these facts and be sympathetic to all parties involved while still being true to themselves. Just because the mother calls a million times a day, does not mean she is trying to invade your space; this is just her style. Or if a mother seems to not know what is going on in her kid’s life, does not mean she is unloving; it means she is letting them learn and fail on their own. It can be a tough and complex task trying to avoid choosing sides, especially at first, but it can be accomplished. I am a firm believer that the more people involved in raising a child, the better. The old adage “it takes a village to raise a child” is very true, and if you are good, bad or indifferent, a kid will learn from everyone who is in his or her life.